Having read Chuck Klosterman's book, "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs", I was inspired to create a new (yet short) artist feature. In the book, Klosterman states that he asks 23 questions everybody he meets in order to decide if he can really love them.
For the sake of this entry, I've randomly selected Question #19. The first five (5) people to respond to this question with a reasonably coherent answer will receive three (3) features of my choosing. So here's the question...
Your best friend is taking a nap on the floor of your living room. Suddenly, you are faced with a bizarre existential problem: This friend is going to die unless you kick them (as hard as you can) in the rib cage. If you don't kick them while they slumber, they will never wake up. However, you can never explain this to your friend; if you later inform them that you did this to save their life, they will also die from that. So you have to kick a sleeping friend in the ribs, and you can't tell them why.
Since you cannot tell your friend the truth, what excuse will you fabricate to explain this (seemingly inexplicable) attack?